I was checking out the stats on this blog today, and it shows people coming from all over the world. it would be super cool to hear from some of you :) today was a pretty 'blugh' day. i had planned it to be very productive, but i woke up late -- 3 pm late. and then then i couldn't find a book i needed and blah blah blah. you know, i ended up finding it in the first place i looked -- BUT, when it was the first place i looked i didn't look properly -- and so i proceeded to look all over the house and even called a few places to see if i had left it there, till i decided to RECHECK the first place i had looked and there it was , hidden in a orange leather handbag. the weather was nice though. perfect study weather rain and all. it must mean your getting old when different things start to remind you of past memories. It was raining today, and it brought back memories of how beautiful Nevis was when it rained. I used to drop everything I was doing and run to a window or doorway to watch it fall. Back in Canada, rain is often looked at as an annoyance. I have to remember to see the beauty in it here too!

People seem to filter in and out of my life quite a bit. Sometimes they play starring roles only to disappear behind the curtain. Even if I didn't quite enjoy a dragged out show anymore, I still sit disgruntled waiting for a sequel. When something is taken away from you, you idolize it more. Now that that barbie belongs to HER, isn't it's hair extra shiny? I can't say I've learned a lot from my errors. I'm still a hapless student of future lessons. Is hapless hopeless? I'm faithful, I have faith. In situations that have landed me into trouble, I remember feeling an uneasiness that I chose to ignore. When things go wrong maybe, it's a consequence of you going against what you know is right.

It's Ramadan. If the world really ends this year, this is my last Ramadan. scoff. That would truly be a shame because I regretfully really let it slip by. I didn't pray proper Tarawi or do anything extra really. I may not have felt as guilty if I had instead atleast studied. sigh. Honestly, being in this position - this limbo - sucks. Done with basic sciences, but not yet able to do anything different. To be 27 ...wow I'm not even 27, I'm 28. WOW. to be 28, and still living the same student life I was at 25? hell, at 19 even. Whats different from highschool. Still waiting for life to start. But alhumdulilla, as i try to remind myself, I have so much to be thankful for. Even if i start with being thankful for one grace, my parents, it makes up for a million complaints. and then you mix in all the other mercies and then how dare I feel unhappy, unsettled, restless. 28, 28, 28. only scary because its close to 30. why that matters, God knows. its 3:32 am, and i'm supposed to be studying. when that will end, God knows.

New-Ark

My last post was about the beauty of Nevis rain, written a year ago. Now, I'm sitting in a small rectangular room. The walls are painted a deep salmon. Heavy dark chocolate drapes cover the window. I've piled the small twin sized bed with pillows of various sizes. Overtaking the whole bedroom is a giant student desk, sitting akwardly in front of the window. It tries to blend in, the soft brown pine doesn't particularly clash with anything. There sheer size of it deems it the elephant in the room. and this elephant softly whispers 'study' 'step one' 'deadline' and sometimes hiccups "STEP!!!". It's the last thing I see before I sleep, and one of the first in the morning. and what a morning. I've been having to wake up at 6:30 am to catch a train to newark where the kaplan classes are being held for a 7 week prep. the classes are good, but being in the real world, in a real city with people and stores and fashion and experiences to be had, is whats really fun. I'll try to keep us all posted on here. for now though, this is it.

Nevis Rain

I love it when it rains. Nevis rain is especially full of wonder. It falls passionately, full of intensity. Mesmerizing trinkles, droplets resonating against cement walls. Watching Nevis rain is akin to glimpsing a dancer gliding across an empty room. Uninhibited, it soars, free, high in its own purposeless abandon. Only when its passion is spent does it softly vanish. The musk of rain, the glistening blades of grass, the widened puddles, bearing witness.

Dog Garn Dost

The dog that lives next door walked me to my destination and back tonight. I guess moments like this are pivotal in a friendship. He couldn't understand what I was rambling on about as we walked, but he stayed by my side none-the-less. A few times he ran up ahead of me, surveyed the horizon, and then turned its head back, waiting.

He's not an attractive dog. You can see his ribcage, his black fur is dull and blotchy, and his movements are odd and jerky. But his tail wags when he sees a kind face, his eyes twinkle, and you can feel and sense his happiness at him seeing you.

He might just be being nice because I feed him sometimes. Or maybe because people treat him blugh. Whatever the reason, I found an uncanny friend.

I still mutter 'please don't bite me' nervously when he decides to jump and fidgit around me. I've also enforced a no touching policy - so I can keep my wudu and refrain from touching any bugs that may wind up on him. So I guess this is a weird type of friendship - unless you consider the fact that he's a guy. In that respect, the lack of trust, the threat of pain, and the no contact rule, doesn't seem odd at all ;).

In the End, what does it matter

Lover, Friend, Companion.
Inflictor, Oppressor, Villon.
The Swaying Scales of Justice,
Entrusted to a lady after all.
What shrouds her in darkness?
A strip of cloth, Love, Emotion.
Oh the heartless among you, the numb;
May you Feel. May you Think.
May you Reflect.